Art Of Change Blog
by Dr. Rick Kirschner on October 2, 2008
Certainly, I’m up for coaching. Let me know how this would proceed.
Step one is to get a free introductory call scheduled. That gives you a chance to interview me, and me a chance to interview you, to find out if we can work well together. If, after that call, we both agree that we’re a good match, I’ll schedule you for your first appointment. I have your email address, so I’ll be in touch soon about setting up a brief conversation.
Hi, Dr. Kirschner
My name is Julie Poole and I am a student teacher at Christiansburg High School in Christiansburg, Virginia. In passing, I fell upon your blog and found posts on persuasion to be very interesting and informative. I am currently teaching a unit on persuasion in my 11th grade English classes and am in the process of moving my students from reading the persuasive writers to becoming the persuasive writer. In hopes to connect them to the world around them, their end of the unit task is to create a group persuasive commercial to bring community awareness concerning an issue they feel passionate about. Just like you said, so much can go unseen and unchanged without the correct people or words to persuade an audience to move towards that change – and that is what my students are currently working on.
I was hoping that when it is all said and done that you wouldn’t mind giving my class of 11th graders some feedback on their commercials. We have been discussing persuasive techniques and how to incorporate that into our writing and speech. But, with this particular assignment, I hope for them to gain more than just the technique behind persuasion. I want them to see what they can do with their words and that change is possible.
Once my students have completed their assignment, I hope to upload their work either to their class blog or their wiki. If you are at all interested in becoming a part of this project and helping us out, please let me know!
Thank you for your consideration for I know you are an extremely busy man, but any feedback from you would be greatly appreciated!!
I’m glad you like the blog. I’d be happy to help your students, time permitting. I love that you’re teaching them to aim persuasion at positive change. That’s been my intent since I started my study of the topic! You can reach me via my contact form when you’re ready and I’ll gladly do what I can.
Hi Dr. Kirschner,
My name is Joel Seah and I happened to chance upon your blog. Found your content on communication skills very interesting. Would it be possible to place a link on your blog to mine? My blog focuses on interpersonal communication skills with NLP and Enneagram.
I’m glad you find my blog interesting. I’m sorry to say that no, it wouldn’t be possible to place a link on my blog. I only link to resources I know and trust, and I don’t know you at all. But you are most welcome to come back to my blog and interact with me, comment on my posts and engage in conversation!
Hello Dr. Rick
Thanks for your kind comments about my column in the Jamaica Observer. Am in the process of re-reading it and hope to share it some more of your valuabel with my readers. Hope one day you would consider doing a workshop in Jamaica.
Peace + Love
Yvonne Grinam Nicholson
Hello Yvonne, and thanks for stopping by!
I would love to do a workshop or speech in Jamaica, just waiting for someone to offer me an opportunity to do so!
Thank you for this blog. I myself have been suffering from adult temper tantrums lately. This is highly unusual for me as I work with a mediator and have had enough training to deescalate people who are doing exactly what I’m doing myself. I agree that it stems from a feeling of not being listened to. For example, I was at the eye doctor’s office, despite me telling them both orally and in writing, they lied about receiving my records, blamed their other office, and also tried to give me a drug that could cause a serious drug reaction. I underlined this information on the patient information sheet and told the doctor three times before he got a consult and discovered I had a concern. Otherwise, it was obvious he had not read the patient handout.
This is an extreme example; but it happens frequently. I see people, neighbors, cry in mediation because they have never really talked and listened to each other.
I see a therapist and have changed several times for the same reason. I basically had the doctor issue my own prescriptions by doing a brief literature review. Otherwise, it’s clear his mind is elsewhere during sessions.
At any rate, what bother’s me most is my reaction. I’m Sicilian an come from a family that has a history of high temper to begin with and makes me wonder if part of it isn’t genetic. I’m the calmest of the bunch and no one would guess I have a temper problem while I’m working.
Do you know of any resources in the Las Vegas area that would be worth pursuing? My tantrums level anger can be directly traced to my move here and I’m unable to move at this time. I hate the idea that I have to carry a benzodiazapine with me “just in case”. At any rate, thank you for writing about this.
Hello, and thanks for both your positive feedback and honest disclosure.
When everyone is talking and no one feels heard, the sense of isolation and anger on all sides grows rapidly. We see it happening on a national and international level, in some of the biggest issues of our time. Is it any wonder that our problems persist?
On occasion, I have the thought that if people only listened to each other (really listened), most of our problems could be prevented, and the rest could be easily resolved. It would appear that the human experience is designed so that, unless we help each other out in this way, everything gets increasingly complex all around.
I understand that vulnerable feeling of knowing that your buttons can be pushed and your temper flare in spite of your best intentions. And I understand how it feels after it’s happened. What you’re dealing with is a pattern of habitual behavior, and each time the pattern gets fired off, it is reinforced and more likely to happen again. What’s needed is to break that chain of reaction in yourself, so that instead of being at the effect of circumstances, you can be the architect of change.
I think you would benefit greatly from a combination of counseling and coaching, services I provide over the phone (so distance is irrelevant.) I don’t know of any Las Vegas resources, but if you are so inclined, you can contact me using the contact form on my coaching website, at http://talkwithrick.com and we can set up an appointment.
Dear Dr. Rick Kirschner,
I am rights manager of a Beijing-based publishing company. I am interested in your book entitled Inside’s Guide to the Art of Persuation. I hope to have this book of yours published in Chinese in mainland China. Shall I have a direct connection with you or your agent? Best wishes, Frank
Thanks for your interest, Frank. I’ve informed my foreign rights person, Bob Erdmine, and he’ll be in touch with you shortly.
hi dr k,
Very helpful information on the narcissist battle… I am now a single father of 5 boys.. 16 14 10 3 and 2. First three I have raised alone..however the 3 and 2 year old I have with my ex. After 30days of being seperated from my 3 and 2 year old based on a false restraining order, once in court and able to provide all the factual information to include hand written cards, emails, texts etc, the court immediately awarded me primary custody of my two youngest giving her only 1.5 days out of 7. This only enraged her even more (a trait of the narcissist im now discovering).
Anyway, as if it wasnt bad enough that after five years she left us, to include my older children whom have all grown attached to her family and her in certain aspects (the temporary initial charm im thinking), but now having to deal with her little mind games. My older boys are pretty solid Im thinking as far as accepting that she is gone (actually they were somewhat relieved as they filled me in on a number of lies they would catch her at which would hurt them but they felt they couldnt tell me at the time), but my questions is if you know of what tactics someone with her condition will try to pull on the younger children, and what signs should I look for and at what point should i consider therapy for them and possibly me.
Now that I understand the condition a lot more after all this research it makes it a lot easier to move on. Challenges of being a single parent are hard enough as it is, but to have to carry with me the burden of maintaining a fake smile while on the inside her emails and texts and tactics just chew me up in side.
Anyway, any input would be greatly appreciated. I am more so than anything else concerned about the effects on my children. Im confident that the court and mediator have already clued in on her condition which is why the immediate change in custody im thinking, but courts can only go so far, months in between, and only after a grueling process of documenting and filing motions etc.
Thanks again for your time and God Bless your continued efforts to help folks like me.
It seems to me that the best thing you can do for your kids begins with your reaction to her. ONce you’ve learned a new and less stressed and painful way of thinking about her and feeling about her behavior, you’ll be able to talk openly and honestly with them about her behavior, with compassion and forgiveness instead of anger, so that they gain insight into her behavior without condemning her for it. Because I’m certain she is doing the best she can with what she has and knows or she would do better. One of the keys to forgiveness is realize that most bad behavior isn’t personal to you, (even though it feels personal) but is more about the person engaging in it and their inability to be resourceful and make positive changes due to limits in their thoughts and conditioning. In order to set a great example for your children, you’re going to have to first break free of her influence inside yourself. You’re going to have find some way to quit taking it on, internalizing it and reacting to it, and instead, just handle it while waiting for the courts to do their job. Grin and bear it, as they say, because this too will pass.
A basic rule of life is that if all you know is what you don’t want, you will get more of it. To break the chain of reaction inside yourself, the question you need to answer is: What’s the best I can be in this situation, exactly as it is? Once you know what you want, you’ll start organizing yourself to achieve it.
Thank you for your comment and positive feedback. I certainly wish you and the children well.
Thanks for the information on narcissism. I wondered if you could possibly look at a situation I have been involved in where I believe I had contact with a narcissist.
This began two years ago when I was on a 9 month training course. Six months in and on the second placement I was paired with a woman with whom I became firm friends. She was five years younger than me (25) and very attractive and I just thought this would be a passing friendship especially when she began dating a student doctor.
However, this was short-lived and I was the shoulder to cry on and she then insisted that when the course ended she would come and visit me at our respective locations. I made no effort to keep in contact whereas she did and after a period of about six months we did meet. Contact then became more frequent and she even attended a colleague’s wedding / we went away together and took a holiday together last summer.
However, throughout she emphasised that we were ‘just friends’ and yet continually used me as a support in times of difficulty (problems at work) loneliness in her new town and when her parents were sick. Constantly her requirements were paramount.
Eventually, one weekend when she visited me for my birthday, I asked her out but she rebuffed this again saying we were always going to be just friends. She then announced that she had bought me tickets to watch a show for my birthday and would be in touch with the details.
Soon after the weekend we had a fall out and when I have tried to receive closure for this relationship all my messages are ignored and so I have given up.
Could you advice me please.
Hello, Bart, and thank you for your comment.
Based on what you’ve shared, I sure can’t say if narcissism was the problem or not. Maybe she liked you as a person, but didn’t want anything more. Sometimes, we lean on friends because they offer to be leaned on. But anytime you feel like you’re just being used, the question to ask yourself is this: “If I’d known this is how this would turn out, would I have chosen to have this relationship?” And if the answer comes back, “NO!” then maybe you should stop choosing it! If, on the other hand, it seems worth it to you, then enjoy it for what it is. And if someone closes the door on you, particularly in a one-way relationship that never quite adds up as good for you too, leave the door closed and get on with your life. At least, that’s my advice.
I hope this is helpful.
I found this site accidentely while I were looking for some advice for my emotions on web. I wonder if there is anything that You could advice for my situation.
I am no 20 years old, since i was 6 i have been learning music(cello, piano, percussions). I was learning in really good, hight leveled school and really believed that i will become a professional musician. Two years ago we moved to another country with my family – mother, father and sister, because of the economical crisis in our country. So i started in local school(had to finish 2 years of High school), right now its 3 months untill i finish it. The education level here just killed my wish to continue with music, i have learned nothing but the new language during these 2 years, so i currently have no idea of what to do in my life. Since we moved i feel that i lose the control of my emotions – i get very easily irritated, sad, happy, but i really always know what i like and what I don’t. The problem is how much i dislike the nation in current land and several other different problems in my life, what I can say is that since i was about 17 years old i was in charge of what is going on in family, like using internetbank and so on, there was no time when i have been totally careless in my life. I am perfectionist, critical to others as strong as to myself, independent, rather not social, little empathy(which I don’t understand why should i have in most of the situations – why should I care if nobody would care?). I read news everyday an am very aware of what is going on in the world, and am afraid of everything getting worse – i think it means i DO care, but i realize that there is nothing i can help with. I know exactly what i stand for and what i deny, which is not often the usual way to think. The biggest problem is when i realise that I have no friends because of that – i have too high standarts for somebody to fit in my society. Its not like i really miss a lot of company, friends, i prefer to be alone. My boyfriend is trying hard to teach me get more friendly to others and i understand him, but i just can’t start thinking the other way – i’m too stubborn and secure of my way, though i know it’s quite destructing. Above all it is me in my life who has the main role, and that is how it should be. I will never understand those who sacrifice(i mean in a hard way) themselves for society friends, just like a philosopher Jean Jaque Rousseau. Since i was a kid i always has been a ”lone wolf” and i am ok with that, but is it even possible to change the way of thinking is such a big degree? Is that what is called mania, narcissisme, self-center? How do i go on with my temper, critique to society and perfection seek? I know this whole text might make no sense, but just in case somebody would understand.. I would be grateful to receive some feedbacks and advices! Thank You!
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you found my blog and I’ll do my best to respond to your request for feedback and advice.
First, I do not think that your description of yourself is of a narcissist, at least not the pathological meaning of the term. Instead, you sound like a perfectionist (so was Steve Jobs) and a bit of a loner/introvert, who *because of your young age* is just waking up to some of the awfulness of the world. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost interest in your music, and hope you get it back. Most of what you are describing here is that you only have half the puzzle of life, and the missing piece is driving you a little crazy. The half you have, ‘GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT,’ is a wonderful piece. It allows us to dream, to strive, to work hard towards the fulfillment of our goals and ambitions. But the missing piece? I think it’s this: WANT WHAT YOU GET!
Here’s how it works. When you go for what you want, life happens, and you get what you get. If you don’t embrace life as it is, you are going to be unhappy with it. If you compare what is to what is not, and think what is not is somehow more important or valuable than what is, you miss the moment, and condemn yourself to misery, frustration and even despair. But by wanting what you get, you get to be current with what is, thus able to notice where the leverage is to create positive change.
I hope this helps you get a handle on your current circumstance, so you can get back to going for what you really want.
Hi Dr K I was amazed to read this article!!! Every single word is like discribing my husbands behaviour to the absolute last detail.
The tips you have provided are amazing however am in a situation were I think I need a tad more advice if possible.
My husband and I have been seperated now for about 10 months, the problem is we both work in my fathers family buisness
Dad has no intentions of letting him go (his opionion being don’t worry what hes says etc etc), my problem is that is increasing had
dealing with him at work (he always shouts me down, accuses and abusers me), it is had to get him to take anything I say on board,
and picks and chooses what suits himself with regards to the children all the time. Could you please help me reconigse the tools I need
help me keep sane!!! Sometimes I feel like I have lost myself completley I am desperate to gain my self esteem back and go into another
relationship knowing who I am and what I want!!!
Thankyou in advance
That’s a tough one, and I’m sorry for all the difficulty. First thing I want to say is that you picked him, so the first place to direct your attention is to yourself. Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. I think that the situation you describe requires more than a blog post to address it properly, don’t you? Please consider making an appointment to talk.
What a great article on Naricissm, and what a great website and blogs!
Thank you for posting. 🙂
Recently, I started to wonder whether I am a narcissist, and based on the research I have done on google, I realize that I do have many of the traits:
I’ve been noticing more and more how self centered I am (I often catch myself interrupting others when they are speaking, I have short-term memory problems (I forget a name the minute someone introduces themselves, and I’ve tried the “Nice to meet you, “so and so”!), I often have to read something several times to understand it, and since I was a child I had a lot of difficulty learning and memorizing, and spent a lot of time doing things by myself (drawing, finishing homework in class so I don’t have to do it later), or “I” was organizing people into doing things/activities together (I found that these are all, or atleast some of them, are narcissitic traits), but I am wondering if I am simply projecting on myself (as narcissists seem to do). It has been 2 years since I got out of my 3 year abusive relationship. After this relationship I didn’t date anybody because I wasn’t able to be very social; I was in college, and worked a job to support myself. But I have noticed that I do the following, when it comes to connecting with others:
1. I am a 22 year old female – it was always hard for me to connect with young women, ever since I was a child my friends were mostly boys. Right now, my friends are mainly older men and older women. However, I’ve been teaching arts here and there, and I love teaching individuals of diffent ages (age four to 100). I love working with different types of people. I like helping others, and seeing them grow.
2. (this is an embarrassing one) “Most” men/guys I would meet would want to be friends with me, than fall in love with me, but I would tell them “at the very begining” that I am marely interested in being friends and would repeat that – they would say that it’s fine, so long as we can correspond/be friends with eachother. They would do nice things for me (as friends sometimes do), and than say they want a relationship (again), I would say no, and that’s when I would become their enemy, and they would tell me that I used them, though I would avoid accepting any materialistic things during our time together, and tell them of my “previous incidents with men, in order to avoid an incident of this kind with them” . Did I use them emotionally? I try to find women friends for this reason, but it is hard for me to connect with them, so I end up being friends with men, with whome this story often repeats itself. To avoid this type of stuff, I often isolate myself.
3. I seem to talk a lot about those people who like/liked me, and stalk/stalked me. I respect a lot of these people for who they are and appreciate the time we had together, but not for their trying to possess me.
4. When I teach/give advice to others and they succeed/achieve something, I do not believe it is because of me – though I acknwledege I helped, or gave advice.
5. One of my future goals is to get involved with animal rescue (am I avoiding people?).
6. I experience extreme guilt when I hurt someone, ususally blame a large chunk on myself, and ask for frogivenes as soon as possible.
7. (big one) I noticed that most of the pictures on my computer are of me with people, me with family, me doing this, me doing that, they are mostly pictures of me in the past 4 years that I collected from facebook. Me, me, me. My life was documented by a friend who took all these pictures of “me”, and I saved them (I feel that I can use them in the future for reference – since most of them are art related – but it could be more than that – could be narcissism). I never take pictures of myself, or rarely do I take pictures of others. In most cases, I simply don’t take pictures.
If I am a narcissist I am willing to work on myself. If I am not, I still want to work on myself because I feel that things are not right.
Please let me know what you think, and I would appreciate any advice.
Thank you for your time.
The description you have provided here does not strike me as that of a narcissist, more that of a young woman finding her way in the world without a few essential life skills. There is a proverb that goes something like this, “Vanity, thy name is youth.” I recommend hat you read my book ‘How to Click With People’ so you can build successful relationships with a wider range of people, and my book ‘Life By Design’ so that you can get your life sorted out. Both are available on my webstore at http://theartofchange.com
I believe my sister to be a narcisist. She has 2 kids and my parents and my husband and myself, have pretty much raised them since they were around a year old. She would move off and leave them to go do whatever she does. She has recently moved back and is tearing our family apart. She uses the kids against us for our punishment when it is just hurting the kids. She does not attend any of their activities and interests. My mom has to go to their house everyday to get the kids up and ready for school. My 78 year old grandma is doing all of her laundry. She has a boyfriend that lives 3 hours away that does some of the shopping. Otherwise who ever she feels like picking on that day she talks into them running her errands. Her boyfriend is well off as in fianaces. So she manipulates him into whatever she wants usually around 10,000 a month. She’ll then buy somebody something as a gift and then shell get mad and start being mean to that person. Now shes trying to buy my children, which I have put a stop to. But now my life is miserable my mom and grandma want me to give in or I’m the bad guy. I can’t really just walk away because I love her kids like they were mine. Her children are now turning on me. They are turning into her and they have this entitilement issue going on right now, which is what she does too. I am stuck! My husband wants to cut her off because he cant stand seeing me like this but that would mean losing the kids and probably half of my family. So I feel like I’m just stuck!
I am sorry to hear of this difficult situation. You clearly have a heart for the children. I think you need to talk this out with a professional and determine the best tools and resources for a positive change. Trying to think your way out of a box like this is too difficult on your own. Meantime, and though it be of cold comfort, your consistent and loving presence in their lives gives them a meaningful comparison in terms of role models, and if/ when the chips are down in their lives, which I am certain will happen based on what youve described, I believe they will turn to you.
I don’t truly know where to begin but I would like some advice on how to deal with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He has a terrible, short-temper. I know this is what you would categorize as a “generalization” and there is too much context of history to fill you in on. Essentially I frustrate him. His work frustrates him. Traffic frustrates him. Not being able to find his keys, wallet, phone charger sometimes sends him off the deep end. He swears loudly, throws things around the house, at times when I offer to help in these situations he has told me “to leave him the fuck alone.” – I can only assume he feels terribly about this so how does he handle it, instead of apologizing he turns off all the lights and goes to sleep. The last time it was 7:30 in the evening, I was so anxious and frightened, I stayed in the bedroom and quietly cried, before speaking with some friends on line just to keep my sanity. The next morning he was remorseful and apologized, but I have become so afraid of his outbursts that I don’t even know how to tell him that it is unacceptable. When he said sorry, even though I didn’t mean it, I said “its okay.” The trouble on my end is, I have in the past made a lot of mistakes, we met while both intense partiers and so he has endured through a lot of my drunken nights, coming home, getting into fights and other out of control behaviour that he still holds over my head. He will bring up past mistakes in fights and although those mistakes were my own fault, I humiliated myself – he hold its over me like a power card. I don’t even know where this is going, we talk about the subject of his anger but I don’t think he truly believes its a problem, he can wake up and go immediately into a swearing fit… where is my shirt, look at this pile of shit, fuck this sucks, see you later. Kind of thing. I am anxious when I think its time he is coming home, I know he is not nearly aware of the terrible effect this has on my nerves. I grew up with a loud, angry, unpredictable father who was prone to outbursts and then slept off the guilt, while I sit in the corner trembling just wanting to keep the peace. I have in part created this monster. I am riddled with fear and have lost my voice.
I’m vacationing and will keep this short, but reading your story moved me to reply. What you are describing here is known in psychological terms as ‘the unfinished gestalt.’ Issues left over in your mental/emotional makeup from growing up around a loud, angry and unpredictable father have reappeared in your life through the choices you’ve made. The opportunity is to resolve those issues this time. Otherwise don’t be surprised if the next guy turns out the same way as this one.
So how to finish the unfinished gestalt? Not by fighting, and not by fleeing. A good place to start is with this: What do I know now that I didn’t know then, that had I known it then, I could have dealt better with him (father) for my own sake? And then, what can I do now that I could NOT do then, that would have made things better for me?
If this man lacks enough sense of self to take responsibility for his bad behavior, it is unlikely that your love and support will lead him to it, unless you have the patience of a saint and the willingness to keep taking what he’s dishing. This might be a good time for you to adapt to the situation as it is, by first recognizing what choices you have, and then picking a direction for your life and moving towards it. And if this isn’t the life you want, then let him be who he is and do what he does with his life, and get on with yours.
I hope this was helpful. There is no doubt in my mind that you would benefit from a counseling relationship with someone, to help you sort through this and find your way to a satisfactory conclusion. IMO, you can’t fix him. But you can claim your power in this relationship and create a happier life for yourself, as soon as you learn to love and respect yourself more than he does.
Hello, I am a life coach for young women and have some questions about helping a certain young women who has extreme narcissism traits. She has developed these traits as coping mechanisms from childhood trauma. Is it possible to have a brief discussion on some idea’s so that I may better direct her on having healthier communication habits?
Thank you for your interest in my work. What sort of discussion do you have in mind? If a phone call, I will be back in my office in mid December. Use the contact form on my website, http://theartofchange.com and provide me with your name, phone and email.
I’m Emily and I recently started a video series highlighting business related issues. After the site popped up in my quick research, I thought I’d reach out, hoping you might find some value in this video.
(Link removed by request)
It highlights the economics of cheating and why we cheat. If you think this might be something you’re interested in sharing, let me know.
– Emily S.
Recently, my video team and I released a video that illustrates some of the key points and rules by Steve Jobs that go into designing like Apple.
(Link removed by request)
After the site popped up in my quick research, I thought I’d reach out, hoping you’ll find some value in the video. Let me know if it’s something you’d like to share.
I’ve not heard back from you about promoting my book yet.
I hope you won’t mind my asking again if you’re interested in exchanging links or guest posting articles?
(I have great ideas for topics that your audience will be interested in. Plus, I will write them for free!)
I can also send you a FREE copy of the product that you can look over for review!
Just let me know.
Thanks for your brief comment and interest. Pardon my very long response, which I hope will be instructive to others that makes requests like yours. (Hey, I’m a writer!)
Honestly, it looks like an advertisement for your book and a pitch for me to do advertising for you more than it does a comment regarding my work and my blog. I do not recall hearing from you ever before, so I’m not sure what you expect.
When you ask me about promoting your book, I’m left wondering at least a couple of things:
1. Who are you and how did you find my blog to make such a request?
2. Why would i promote your book or allow you to post on my blog, when 1) I don’t know you, 2) don’t know anything about your work and have a reputation to protect 3) and I have my own books and audios that I promote to my readers. When I have promoted other books here, it was because I was familiar with the book and the author, and both had my respect.
You asked about guest posting, and offered to do it for ‘free.’ Now, no offense intended, but the fact is, free isn’t that attractive when the service isn’t known. Really, I don’t anything of use that would help me to say yes, and you said nothing to persuade me! And when I visited the links in your comment (which I have since edited out as advertising your product isn’t my purpose) all I found was a sales letter website.
So I can’t really assess whether what you have to say is in alignment with my own work. And I think you promoting your book and posting links to it without my permission is bad form.
Now, my blog is all about connecting, relating and communicating successfully in order to help bring about positive change. I get a lot of these generic requests for link exchanges, SEO help, or to write for me and such through the contact form on my main website. I don’t even bother to reply. So let me ask you this: Wouldn’t it have made more sense for you to actually become at least a little familiar with my work before contacting me? Wouldn’t a personal note that told me how you think we could help each other be more effective?
I have removed your book title and the links to your website from your comment. If you have a serious proposal to make, use the contact form on TheArtofChange.com and give it another try. Only try to be persuasive, will you?
I read your piece on narcissists and found my mom fit it perfectly. She manipulated me a lot growing up because she knew I wanted to please her. I have since realized that I can’t do what she wants and I’ve made it clear that I;m not going to, quite bluntly in fact. The problem is that, obviously, she wasn’t at all accepting to it, and she still tries to manipulate me into things. For the most part I don’t go around her anymore, but the way she still manipulates me is through things like holidays (I’m usually with my extended family on the holidays for a few hours, and she takes that to be a good sign of me being comfortable with her again). So she starts her manipulation again and I can’t get away because of what I have found to be a secondary problem- my family thinks she’s a saint. They criticize me for not talking to her, scold me for not coming around her more often, and when she goes to far and I put her back in her place so to speak, they criticize me for that too. How do I deal with a family that is completely blind to her narcissism and get them to understand what she used me for and how she did it?
Thanks for your comment. You ask how to get your family to understand your mother as you do. I’m left wondering, ‘for what purpose?’ What do you gain by her losing in their esteem? And have you ever listened to your family in order to understand their perspective of her? Maybe there is more to her than you realize, and maybe your way of relating with her has played a role in the relationship and how it is for you. Since I don’t know what ‘manipulations’ she tries with you, I’m left thinking how mothers constantly try to manipulate their children, because they love them and want what they think is best for them. Without more information to go on, these are the thoughts I’m left with after reading what you wrote.
I purchased an ebook and received no details on how to download
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Hi, we sent out your download link yesterday, shortly after receiving your order. Please let us know that you received it.
I work with Nannyservice.net. We recently published an article that you may be interested in entitled, “30 Blogs on How to Handle Difficult People”.
I thought perhaps you’d be interested in sharing this article with your readers? After having followed your blog for a while, I feel that this one article would align well with your blog’s subject matter. If interested, here’s the link for your convenience: (http://www.nannyservice.net/blog/30-blogs-on-how-to-handle-difficult-people/).
Hi Betty, glad to hear you’re a blog follower of mine! Are any of those linked blogs mine?
My video team and I recently released a video that highlights and illustrates some of the true costs of having a bad boss.
After the site popped up in my quick research, I thought I’d reach out, hoping you’ll find some value in the video. Let me know if it’s something you’d like to see and possibly share.
Hi Dr. K Id be interested in doing a consult with you, if you offer that. i am married to an abusive narcissist and have only come to fully understand this within the past year, after 17 years of feeling crazy and confused by his manipulative behaviour. Ive been to counselling for myself and have learned ways to cope, without feeding his disorder. My question now regards how to mitigate the damage that has inadvertently been done to my teen son. My husband loves him and is good to him (but with some very bad behaviours already done) and I think that my son needs to know what the situation is, without feeling that I am bad-mouthing his Dad. thank you
I have replied to you privately, and intend to post much of my answer as its own post in a few weeks.
I send you this message to thank you and congratulate you for your beautiful work, “dealing with people you can’t stand” I’m from Morocco and I read your book that helped me to cope with problems of communication in the company where I work ..
great respect for you
Thanks so much for your feedback about my coauthored book, Dealing With People You Can’t Stand.’ I love knowing that you can find it in Morocco!
Hello. I read your article on narcissists and have a question? What if that person is your mom who had a stroke? What if she blackmails you? What if she wants you to commit fraud or she will tell lies to your kids school, husbands work, my church? The guilt over her health is why I have put up with it. I am so very sad. She tells me it is me that is the liar. I don’t lie! She cannot accept the horrible things she does. How do I overcome the guilt? Thanks for your timer.
Thank you for your comment and questions. You say it’s guilt over her health that keeps you putting up with it. Here’s what I know about guilt. There’s internally imposed guilt, which occurs when we violate our own values, and there’s externally imposed guilt, which is a way to manipulate others. The way you deal with the former is you identify the value you’ve violated and make a specific commitment to a fulfilling that value if ever in the same situation again. How you deal with external guilt can be found in my international bestseller “Dealing With People You Can’t Stand,” in bookstores now. Read the chapter on the Martyr.
i want to remove the link of http://www.rainmakerlawyer.com
from your site which is added in http://blog.theartofchange.com/mashup/posts-about-persuasion-from-across-the-internet-as-of-december-25-2008 as “Five Resolutions for Solo Law Firm..”. please remove the link from that page. thanking your. pritha rana
Please check to see if I got it down.
It was just brought to my attention that you have the wrong photo for me on your website (it’s someone else). Please correct this. Thx!
I recently discovered your blog, and thought of sharing one of our recent article “30 Blogs with the Best Pickup Lines for Middle Aged Men”, that is perfectly matching to the theme of your blog. Perhaps you would be interested in sharing it with your blog readers.
I fail to see how an article about pickup lines has anything to do with my blog. You’ll notice I removed the link back to your site from your comment, as it appears to me to be link bait to drive traffic to your site from my blog. Fuggedaboutit. No, I’m not interested in sharing such a dumb idea with my intelligent readers. You’d know that if you had looked around a little first.
I found your blog through web searching & just wanted to inform you, we recently published an article titled “What to Do When Your Teen Gets Her First Broken Heart” that I was hoping you might consider sharing with your blog readers.
Thanks for your time and take care!
Meghan, please do not try to drive traffic to your site by posting links on mine. I have deleted the link. I do not see how your article has anything to do with my blog. I’ll have to blacklist you if you try this again. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
Regarding Guest Post Submission
Subject: Art work, Photography
As an devouring reader of [http://blog.theartofchange.com] I would love to read about [Guest Post: Reading Micro Expressions and The Art of Persuasion] and I think your other readers would as well.
Your content on [http://blog.theartofchange.com/persuasion/guest-post-reading-micro-expressions-and-the-art-of-persuasion] are great.
I know you are probably busy and won’t blog on it so I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. 🙂 How about I write it for you? Don’t worry, I’m a great blogger and have had my posts featured on [http://makeyourideasart.com/photography/surefire-tips-on-black-white-photography].
Let me know if you are interested, I already know your blogging style, plus I understand what your readers love… as I am one. 🙂
Look forward to hearing from you,
Rather than referring to the blog as a whole, you include links to only a single article, then tell me that my content on this article means I have a great blog. So it is unclear what topic you want me to explore on the blog. As to guest blogging, I reserve that for fellow authors that I’ve vetted personally and that agree with me on certain basics about communication and change.
I love your articles! They are fresh, easily understood and assimilated. They cut to the chase and are sure to help any one who comes across them.
call me 704 530 5259
I am a selfish narcissist person please show me how to correct this
I am looking for the blog you wrote on waking up from being a narcissist. I have been trtying to cure myself from being one for seven years and yet I still display signs and it torments me on a daily basis. Please help.
Try the search box on the main page of this blog, type in ‘narcissist’ and you should find the entire series I wrote.
Looking for your coaching fee structure and contact.
You will find more info here: http://artofchange.com/Coaching/Coaching.html
Looking for your coaching fee structure and contact. Please.
You will find this info on my website, artofchange.com
I just read your how to stop being a narcissist blog and need to learn more. my husband sent me a webpage on “things narcissists do” in his passive aggressive way of telling me to change. I told him that i need help in solving the problem rather than continually point it out. I do need help but don’t know what to read etc. can you point me in the right direction?
Hi Sarah, thanks for your comment and question. I think the smartest way to improve is to get some help! Find a counselor or at least a coach, someone to talk this through with, figure out what the specific issues are and what you want to do about them. Your answers will not be found in understanding narcissism as much as they’ll be found in understanding yourself!
I hope that helps,
Is there a way that shows a person might have narcissistic disorder as a teen?
Hi K, thanks for your comment. I’m sure there is, but youth is by its nature narcissistic and most people grow out of the self centered view of themselves and others.
How can you run from an Abusive Life Threatening Malignant Narcissistic Religious Hypocritical Attorney whom you have 5 children with?
Carefully, that’s for sure. I think you need to learn as much as you can about the behavior and how to avoid tangling with it, and make a plan (a longer term plan than you want to make, but one that allows for building a bridge out of an intolerable situation), then implement that plan. And based on your description of your husband, I think you need to involve an attorney and the police, and find a shelter in your area too.
great reading, unfortunately when the nacississt abuses the children to get to you its tough. The courts dont allow you to talk to your children about these adult issues and yet the abuser gets away with it. How is this in the best interest of the children? My children have wittnessed every form of abuse you can imagine. He hit one of the children and was reported to dyfs. Was on supervised visitation he threatened to sue the childrens psycholgist, went to court and he got rid of her.also the court dropped supervivised visitation because a pscholgist said he was just fine?!!! While all that was going on got a dwi/accident/enough drugs to show intent to sell the courts didnt care. Has dragged that case on now for 14 months. Oh also I was raped by him police say you need proof so the third time I recorded it, so what means nothing, also my daughters voice is on the tape. Means nothing to the courts still best for children to be with him. His attorneys fees for 2 crimminal charges plus this divorce are nearing a million dollars he swore he would spend every dime. he means it too. Oh the answer to your question is yes, he has been paying off MANY police. no protection for me and kids I have a restraining order means nothing.Everyone is afraid of him including me…he’s white ex nfl!!! Theres your answer
I am woma who has worked so hard against her demons! I met a man who I don’t have the time, strengths or tolerance to tell my tale
Perhaps it’s best left
I’m at a loss
Every bring I worked for has been taken from me so carefully and cleverly
I’m amazed X ashamed X I have nothing left to give
How dare he – I truly believe after 9 urs he truly believes his own bullshit
It’s beyond belief
I have no one help me X X
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