Here’s a headline that I’d love to see on TV or in a newspaper some day soon:
Narcissists Dominating The News
Whether we’re talking about Bill O’Reilly (Sarah Jones article), Glenn Beck (another excellent Sarah Jones article) and Sarah Palin (article by Maureen Dowd), or Charlie Sheen and Donald Trump, or the crazyness of Moammar Gadhafi (David Brooks article), narcissism is increasingly in the news these days, front and center where the narcissists want to be. Our culture seems to have made a decision that promoting the self promoters over everyone else’s interests is somehow in our interest. Which isn’t true, unless our interest is solely in spectacle and distraction (which, according to one view of history, is evidence of having arrived at the end times for a great nation. See Rome. Greece. Persia. Egypt.)
In today’s post, I’ll talk about how to spot a narcissist.
But first, as ‘they’ say, it takes one to know one, so here’s a guest on Bill O’Reilly’s show explaining to him what a narcissist is. And second, here’s a link to learn more about other members in the family of so-called personality disorders, such as Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
Now back to our topic. Perhaps the most obvious place to look is with their most obvious behavior. That’s where you’ll see the first sign. It’s official name is grandiosity (meaning ‘in-your-face greatness’)
Grandiosity is considered a key symptom of narcissism. From their grand position in that high place above us all, they can be snide, sarcastic, mocking, or make their claims of specialness in appearance, ability or intellect. And this is how you can know them. Combine this need for adulation with a lack of empathy, and odds are you’re dealing with a disordered psyche leaning towards toxic or malignant narcissisism.
But a less noticeable symptom of narcissism is described, far too mildly in my opinion, as ‘disturbed personal relationships.’ And in this regard, consider just how many disturbances in personal relationships are the result of self absorption and a lack of empathy. So I’d say that some amount of unhealthy narcissism is spread pretty broadly and evenly throughout our entire media and political culture. It seems that most people have at least some narcissistic moments, at least some of the time, in some of their personal or business relationships. Narcissism, like most things in life, isn’t an all or none proposition, but rather, happens on a spectrum, ranging from very mild and context specific (only happens under certain where and when conditions) to very malignant ( all narcissism all the time).
If you’ve followed my writing, you know that I don’t think much of the generalization we call ‘personality.’ I’m far more interested in behavior. So whenever I see ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder,’ I think of it more as a narcissistic behavioral disorder. That said, the National Institutes of Health defines Narcissism as a personality disorder, characterized by a pervasive need for attention and admiration combined with a lack of concern or empathy regarding other people. The American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, (DSM-IV-TR) where it provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (301.81, p. 717). Click the link to read these criteria. Five or more of these criteria must be met in order to make the diagnosis of NPD. Here’s another link to the diagnostic criteria, which are explained and embellished a bit for clarity.
I’ve read the claim that pathological narcissism is a condition that afflicts mostly men, with some estimates that 75% of the recognized and diagnosed cases are male. My experience as a coach and counselor tells me otherwise. Just as intelligence and stupidity are equally divided across gender lines, so is narcissism. Male and female narcissism may express themselves differently, along stereotypical gender roles. For example, the male narcissist may be consumed with power, status and achievement, whereas the female narcissist may be obsessive about her body and beauty, sexually characteristics, home and family. But its narcissism all the same.
Some narcissists are cerebral (it’s all about their intellect and achievements), and some are somatic (it’s all about their physical characteristics and sexual prowess). Some are exhibitionists (energetic and outgoing), some are fragile (feeling inadequate and lonely), and some malignant (exploitive of others…malignant means it gets worse through time, and contains an element of sadism).
Pathological narcissists may project an image of themselves as brilliant, clever, even heroic, but the fact is that the only time a narcissist gives of themselves is when the desired result is self serving, like Lex Luthor in the Superman mythos who always has a hidden agenda. If they admit to some kind of character flaw or weakness, it’s very likely they are revealing it for personal gain.
Perhaps driven to hide any weakness so as never to be exploited or diminished by others, some narcissists erect a facade (a false front) of confidence in their own ‘specialness,’ be it mental, emotional, practical or morally superior. They patrol this facade armed with a sense of entitlement that things should always go their way, and attack or undermine anyone who gets in their way.
Or, they may create a facade of victimhood, regularly making the biggest imaginable deal out of the smallest imaginable grievance. Narcissists often play the victim in order to leverage the emotional state of those on whom they prey.
Behind the facade, be it all powerful or powerfully aggrieved, narcissists feel frustrated and honestly offended that life will not devote itself to making them happy. This causes them much suffering as a result, which they visit as punishment on family members and friends who may feel sorry for them in between bouts of narcissistic rage. And the strength of their facade depends on projecting their fears, anxieties and responsibilities onto the people around them rather than seeing them in themselves. By finding the weakness of others, they can avoid ever having to admit their own failings and shortcomings. It is practically impossible for the narcissist to see that they’re doing this, just as it seems impossible to own up to the damage they do to the people around them.
Most pathological narcissists would never seek help for their mental condition. Never, that is, unless life causes some kind of event that leads to a breakthrough moment and the narcissist gets an actual glimpse of him or her self and the damage they’ve done to the people around them. Unfortunately, such breakthroughs are rare events, and highly unlikely.
A little good news before I sign off: Narcissists, like fine wine, may (meaning it could happen but don’t hold your breath) get better with age (not the malignant ones, who get worse!) So if you choose to wait it out, there’s at least a little hope that this low empathy high need for adulation will eventually become more manageable to deal with. But you don’t have to wait so long. Next post, I’ll talk about what your options are for dealing with narcissists.
Meanwhile, I’d love to hear your descriptions of any narcissistic behaviors that you’ve encountered (or caught yourself doing!)
Be well,
Rick
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this series of posts Rick. I am experienced, though Jimi Hendrix wasn’t talking about narcissism when he asked the question. It was quite a learning curve to be partnered with someone who I now recognize as a narcissist. I am still learning about these traits in myself and others. And that’s a good thing. Self understanding and self fulfillment are worthy endeavors, but when we are cut off from empathy with others and the commitment to be of service to them, we are so isolated. Our culture as you point out seems to put this kind of manic selfishness on a pedestal. This is not an uplifted model of human potential or behavior. Thanks for the light you shine on the subject.
Thanks for the comment Gaea!
Rick:
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that paraphrasing something into something else entirely – until it’s well – wrong is not necessarily a good thing. For one thing – “grandiosity” defined in the realm of narcissism does not mean simply “in-your-face greatness”, ok?
In other words, I am not sure what you gain by depriving your readers of any hint of subtlety within what is now a fairly well-defined concept within the therapeutic and mental health community.
Also, using basically only conservative examples of “media narcissists” seems like a rather heavy-handed thing to do, doesn’t it? I mean, I’m a liberal and it would be hard to forget the royal granddaddy of all narcissist newsmen, Dan Rather.
This is a great topic but you have to stack the deck on every single point you make?
Steve,
Thanks for your comment! I suppose I’ll tell you my personal response to it as a starting point.
First, I write this blog for my own pleasure. I enjoy writing as a way of thinking my way through things. Second, I write to share with others who follow my work what I’m thinking about. And third, I am not obligated by any fairness doctrine to provide left and right wing examples of everything involving politics. I wrote what I was thinking and hope it helped folks like yourself think about it as well. If it serves, I’m honored and delighted to be of service. If not, well, take it with a grain of salt and let it go. And yes it’s my blog, so if I stack the deck on the points I make (no idea what this means to you, so I’m just accepting your premise and moving on), it’s because I’m the one putting in the time to write the blog and I can write whatever I like.
So now I’m curious, how would you differentiate grandiosity from how I used it? What subtleties do you believe should be included that are so well defined in the therapeutic and mental health communities? Please post them here, I’m sure I’d be interested and so might my readers. Also, I only wrote about the commentators I knew about, and if they are all conservative ones, I suppose that’s where I think most of such noise is coming from. I don’t watch hardly any news or commentary on television, but am aware of the impact on our society of the kind of commentary done by the examples I cited. By all means, toss in the ‘liberal’ examples. I’m listening!
Best wishes
Rick
I think this is a good, down-to earth discussion of Narcissim.
I think that it captures some of the complexities involved in what I like to call the narcissistic cognitive framework- a WAY of understanding things that shapes feelings and behaviors. I think grandiosity is hard to define- the tendency to put people down verbally or simply in one’s head is a hallmark of narcissism, but is also very common in general.
I particularly liked the way you describe their inability to understand why life (other people; situations) doesn’t devote itself to making them happy. They sincerely don’t seem to see their own role in their happiness or feel that they ‘owe’ to others what others ‘owe’ to them.
Very interesting.
Thanks for the comment, Jack, and glad you found the post useful (always my intention.)
Best wishes
Rick
Is the author saying Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are narcissists? Really?? Sounds more like a political agenda against conservatives taking place. Beck and Palin are articulate and have facts to support their political beliefs, and it seems that bothers some people. So, I thought this part of the article was generally off-topic. However, I did appreciate the rest of the article. Interesting.
Dear Helene
Thank you for your comment!
You ask if I’m trying to say that Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are narcissists. Yes, I am. You then say “Really?” Yes, really. Of course, that’s just my opinion. They both seem to me to be lacking in empathy, except the show of empathy when it suits their narcissistic needs. And they both seem to think they are the point of whatever happens around them.
Example: Katie Couric asks a SIMPLE question: What papers do you read? And she can’t answer the question. So what conclusion does she draw? “It’s a ‘GOTCHA’ question from the lame stream media.” But no, actually, it was a legitimate question of someone who would be a heartbeat away from the President if elected.
You go on to say that this sounds more like a political agenda against conservatives taking place. I understand how it might sound like that to you. But that is most certainly not where I’m coming from.
You don’t know my politics, and I have no intention to go into my political philosophy here, as that is not the purpose of my blog. But I’m sure you could find out what I believe pretty easily. I have voted in every election in which I was eligible to vote for my entire adult life. And I’ve certainly posted my opinions on a wide range of issues and ideas all across the net and on this blog.
I do find it interesting how easily people jump to conclusions about people who speak honestly in the political sphere, as if legitimate criticism and concern is tantamount to disloyalty or having a political agenda. Sorry, I think both parties have failed and are failing my country, which I love, and it breaks my heart to see how polarized our ‘E Pluribus Unum’ nation has become in my lifetime. I believe Ronald Reagan would be unwelcome in today’s Republican party, and John Kennedy unwelcome in today’s Democratic party.
I picked Beck and Palin because I think they make great examples of the narcissism rampant in our modern world, where everyone is talking but few of us are listening, where drama and emotion are somehow considered as more important than intelligence and reason. Their example helps me to highlight and understand the damage that I see this self centeredness doing to the fabric of our society.
And I must confess, the arrogance and selfishness of our times is astonishing to me. Just today, while traveling, I witnessed numerous examples of coarse behavior and a lack of civility and consideration from people in service jobs. I notice these things because I’m interested in civility and engagement, which I believe are prerequisites to finding smart solutions for pressing problems. I dislike all the name calling, blaming and playing victim for the sake of manipulation that these ‘media personalities’ use to keep people tuning in (although it clearly works with plenty of people, thus rewarding the people doing it). I’m not saying that there are no redeeming qualities to Beck and Palin, or that they are malicious narcissists. I’m saying that they display narcissistic tendencies that I think are not in our best interest as a nation, nor do they provide any kind of example that my mother would have encouraged me to follow.
So rather than promoting a political agenda, I’m simply calling it the way I see it. You are certainly free to disagree, or say the same about me, and I will respect your right to your own opinion. I stand by what I said.
That said, I hope you’ll come back and comment again. And if you would like to ask a question instead of drawing a conclusion about me, you are most welcome to do so.
Best wishes,
Rick