If you’re going to tell someone about a problem, you will be well served to make a distinction between what they do (their actual behavior) and your reaction to it (your thoughts, words and feelings about their behavior).
Behavior is observable, reportable, predictable. Opinions are individualized because we interpret what we see and hear through a lens of understanding that includes all of our previous opinions and experiences.) So two people observing the same behavior may have two different reactions to it.
For example, if you don’t take it personally when people yell, you might become amused, fascinated, or intrigued and curious about what set them off. But if your experience of people yelling is that they have power over you and might do you harm, or a rule in your life that says “people who yell are fundamentally incapable of emotional maturity) then you will interpret their yelling accordingly.
By switching to a behavioral focus, your opinions and experiences have less sway over you, and you may wind up more flexible and resourceful. Then you can tell the person, “When you look at me that way” and describe their behavior rather than your opinion about it, you may be able to guide them to self awareness rather than reacting to your reactions or having opinions about your opinions.
Let’s say that you’re dealing with a person who, for whatever reason, has trouble keeping their word (usually it’s fear to be honest with you, or some disorganization in their own life that interferes with their good intentions).
On the one hand, you could try to shame them or embarrass them, “I can’t count on you for anything!” Or, instead, you could tell them, “You said you’d be here, and you weren’t. I’m sure you meant to be here, but here’s the problem. I’ve made commitments to others based on the promises you’ve made to me. So when you say you’re going to show up and then you don’t show up, or when you say you’ll pick me up and then don’t pick me up, I wind up wondering what’s going on with you, and the people counting on me get to hear me making excuses involving you. That isn’t good for either of us. Here’s what I want in the future: If you make a promise to me, I need to know that you’re also making that promise to yourself, and that you will do whatever you must to keep it. Or else I need you to tell me when you’re hoping rather than commiting to do something, and I will adjust my promises to others accordingly.”
Your comments and feedback are welcome below,
Be well,
Rick
Twitter
LinkedIn
Facebook
What is your opinion of the teaching that says to never start a confrontation type conversation with “You ____” because that puts the other person on the defense. I have been taught/programmed to say “I feel ____ when you _____” in order to lessen the potential defense response of the other person. I have decided this is mostly horse manure but my husband still buys it. So when we begin to open up & have a convo, if I slip up & say “you _____ & that hurt me” he comes back with “you’re not supposed to start a sentence with ‘you.’” And this the cycle begins where I roll my eyes & repeat using the language he is comfortable with. I was taught same thing over 10 yrs ago but having tried both ways I no longer agree the “I feel ____” is truly the best way to go anymore. I get same results either way with everyone other than hubby. Thanks in advance.
Ruth,
Thank you for your question and comments>
So just about anytime I hear that there’s a rule that you ‘should never’, I have a responsive impulse that wants to do whatever it is. (That’s my own polarity response, something you find very strongly in children, negative people and rebels…I’m going with the latter for myself) Spousal relationships tend to defy formulas, as marriages tend to be halls of mirrors where most of the struggles we are faced with are with ourselves, but are mistakenly dealt with as with our partners.
I am familiar with the formula you describe. The idea is that starting with ‘You’ makes it sound like a blaming statement, which could get a reaction. And any such formula is bound not to work in some contexts. But there is something more to this, which is checking with yourself about what’s going on and what has triggered you, before talking about it to the person pulling the trigger.
In my example above, I began with “You said…” If that’s a factual description, I think it’s a fine place to start. But since your husband is telling you that he doesn’t like it, it’s in your interest to find a better starting point than doing what’s guaranteed not to work with him.
And it is possible to jump over the ‘sharing the pain’ part and just resolve it for yourself, rather than needing your husband to do something different. In my relationship, I’ve experienced the value of letting my wife be herself, and her letting me be myself, and we choose to be with each other instead of working on each other.
Here’s a strategic way of speaking to be understood. Start by giving him a good reason to listen to you (a good reason for why it is in his interest to hear you, not why it’s in your interest to be heard!) Then describe the problem or problem behavior if it involves him and how you react to it. End by either asking what could be done differently next time, or by saying you want instead. However, I think it’s important to give people the choice to do what you want them to do, not give them an ultimatum. I also think it’s a mistake to expect a change, as that likely leads to disappointment. Instead, work at change, a little at a time. Because even a tiny change in the right direction, verbally rewarded, is likely to lead to more and better.
Best wishes
Rick
Thank you! Very helpful!